I can't sleep and I have only 4hours of sleep left. I feel like such a failure. What was I expecting? I would like to perservere but at the same time throw in the towel and say game over. Why does god play such games with me. Its likeyou see the gates of heaven wide open as you're walking there, all excited you start to walk faster and it becomes a sprint to enter heaven, but just when you reach the foot of the gates, he slams it shut, smacks you right in the face. Lord, why make me open my heart when all you do is expose my weakness and make me look weak, when you know I hate to feel weak and needy? Why give me someone whom I feel so comfortable with, just to take it away farther away, leaving me with giving up or persuing as my only options?

I have had no expectations, I still don't. I have expectations, but it's of myself and no one else.

Does one still continue to dig even when he hits a rock? Does he make himself believe that there's a way around the rock in order to go deeper or does he just smacks the rock so hard the shovel gives out and he walks away. I need to sleep. I need to get past this.